


A Single Act of Kindness

by the_only_iris



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Explicit Sexual References, F/M, Fluff, Fluffy Angst, Illumi was tortured as a kid, It's just ice cold, Ofc he's the eldest Zoldyck child, Oral Sex, Porn With Plot, Soft illumi?, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, illumi has a heart, reader is soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:07:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25092091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_only_iris/pseuds/the_only_iris
Summary: All his life, he had only known how to kill.Ever since Killua's defection, he wondered what the use of 'kindness' was in the world. The root cause of everything that his family had deemed problematic. However, ever since bumping into you on a rainy night, things slowly started to change.Perhaps, there was no real need for kindness at all. But, you really, really seemed hellbent on proving him wrong.[Illumi Zoldyck x Reader]
Relationships: Illumi Zoldyck/Reader
Comments: 29
Kudos: 466





	A Single Act of Kindness

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this entire thing listening to Tifa's theme from FF7 Remake

There was a saying you recalled that your grandmother had said: that a single act of kindness can melt even the coldest of hearts. 

It had the potential to raise flowers where dead plants lay; the act of kindness, while insignificant, had the capacity to enrich the soil that killed, and would slay the deep-rooted poison that created a cesspool in people's hearts. The act of kindness was strong enough to eradicate all doubt, and place within people a warmth that they never knew they had the potential to bear.

Perhaps, it was this single act of kindness that Illumi Zoldyck lacked in his own life; which robbed him of emotion, and perspective. Because without it, Illumi was merely a slave to his family's whims, a cog in the wheel, a shadow where light could have peered through. It wasn't sad, for he didn't feel it, it was a fact; and cold facts often pierced skin mercilessly. Illumi was never one to feel confused, he didn't question because he didn't have to. Following orders did not require individual thought. Illumi was conditioned to permanently follow, and a lack of feeling made it easier for him to decide quicker. If there was one thing he was not, it was that Illumi was not indecisive. 

Every attempt at assassination, Illumi found it rather easy. As a skilled manipulator, it was futile for his target to try to struggle, something that caused a tinge of annoyance to bubble inside his mind. Watching the life leave their eyes caused nothing to stir within his mind, and he couldn't remember if it had ever bothered him. Did it bother a child when it first learned to walk? To him, killing had been as intrinsic as walking; and he remembered those few times he had questioned as a child, the few times he had been severely reprimanded for spilling those questions remained. 

It had taken him far less time to finish this attempt off, he calculated. If he returned home immediately, he'd only be allowed to rest for a bit before another call kept him busy. It didn't matter since he was now a hunter, but following this assassination, Illumi decided to spend a little time differently. The rare few occasions he had the capacity to think for himself, he chose to spend those moments by himself.

As he walked through the street, the rain fell down his skin, but he barely felt it. Though, what was unusual was a tug at his sleeve, which caused him to stop. Turning callous eyes to the thing that had caused him to still, his eyes fell upon you—someone he hadn't ever seen before, looking up at him pleadingly. On your lap lay a child, bleeding from its heart, a sight that did nothing to his mind. 

"Please," You begged, "Help me take him inside my clinic!"

"No," Was an immediate answer, but just as he tried to edge forward, your grip on his sleeve was strong. "Let go or I'll have to remove your hand—"

"Please, you won't lose anything by being kind!" You begged, tears leaking from your eyes.

 _That's true_ , he pondered before thinking if he should humor you, after all. He knew instantly that his brother Killua would have helped, and placing a needle inside his brother's head might have allowed him to manage his brother's behavior, but there were a lot of things Illumi didn't understand. Maybe, this act of kindness, however insignificant it may be, might make him understand. Without a second thought, Illumi picked up the child and looked at you with his wide, black orbs.

"Where to?"

You smiled at him, through your leaking eyes and ushered him to the other end of the street. You were running, and Illumi merely jogged behind you. You must be a doctor, he thought as he followed you inside a small building. You urged Illumi to place the child on a table, and he followed suit. Just as he was about to leave, you gripped his sleeve again, causing him to still. 

_What now?_

He turned to you and blinked as you said, "You're soaking wet! Please, let me make you a warm cup of tea."

"This doesn't bother me in the slightest," he answered truthfully, "So there will be no need for that."

"Please, I insist."

There you go again with your ' _please_ '; Illumi had no idea how to respond to your request, so he stayed. You first tended to the boy, cleaning his wound and wrapping him up in bandages, and Illumi waited on a chair you had placed just for him. 

"Does the sight of blood bother you?" You asked, kindly.

"No, I'm an assassin. It can't bother me."

You swallowed his words before giving him a single nod; surely, you were afraid, but he had just helped you and you sensed no malice from him just then. Your father had taught you a bit about how to use nen to heal, and how to read aura off people to protect yourself. After dressing the boy's wounds, you rushed to make tea and gestured the assassin to follow you inside your home. Your home had an extended clinic, which was attached to your living room by a door. Illumi followed, still dripping wet, and paused as he entered your house, wondering if the wetness of his clothes would stain the carpet. Normally, he wouldn't care, but it was something like this that his mother noticed back in the manor.

"Don't worry about the carpet! Just walk on it, I'll hand you a towel."

 _There's no need_ , he thought but followed anyway, just to see where this goes. You were clearly no match for him in a fight, but something told him that there would be no fight in the first place. You handed him a towel that faintly smelled like detergent and room freshener, and he used it haphazardly to wipe his hair. He noticed you giggling at him as you put the water on the kettle to a boil and he tilted his head before blinking.

"Would you mind if I did that for you?"

Illumi didn't know what you were talking about.

"Did what?"

"Let me dry your hair."

You took the towel from him gently and ushered him to sit on the chair next to the window. It wasn't as if he was following your orders, it was strange how he was doing all this because he wanted to. You rubbed the back of his head using the towel so gently that he barely felt you there, your touch was smooth and warm, unlike the rain he was just under. He felt your fingers brush against his hair, and while this action would have angered him from just anyone else, you appeared like you knew what you were doing. He sat expressionlessly staring at the ground, as your hands maneuvered into his hair, breaking out the knots and drying the ends. 

He could smell you faintly—and unlike the detergent from the towel, you smelled like grime and rain. Your hands smelled like blood, but your inherent scent was...rather nice. It reminded him of one of his butler's, the child close to Killua's age, but he didn't think of it further. The aura coming off of you was harmless, and he understood that this was what kindness must be. The sound of the kettle alerted you, and you paused before handing him the towel once more.

"I'll be right back with your tea."

Illumi turned to look at you, your back was facing him now. You were making tea for two now, and while he understood that this must be some comforting thing for regular people, to drink warm tea while it rained, it was incredibly foreign to him. He watched you with expressionless eyes as you returned, a soft smile on your lips. You handed him the tea and sat beside him on another chair, right next to the window. 

"I wish I could give you a new set of clothes, that must really be very uncomfortable." 

"It isn't," Illumi answered. _It isn't even close to being half-drowned in a river after losing a spar against father_.

"You said you were an assassin, right?"

"That's right."

"Is it... Is it something you like doing?"

"I don't have to like doing it. I just do it because I am one." Illumi answered, now drinking his tea.

It was hot, and he understood after drinking the whole thing that he wasn't supposed to drink it in one go. The liquid was so warm that he was sure it had burned some of the cells on his tongue and against his throat, and he heard you gasp before coming over to grab the cup quickly. Illumi's hands instinctively went to your neck and he was about to squeeze the life out of you but stopped when he noticed fear lodge in your eyes, and your hands were stuck in mid-air.

"I was only..." 

He understood that you were trying to take the cup away from him and he slowly let you go, and he felt your fingers circle around his just before taking the cup away. He noticed how you still looked afraid, but you averted your gaze from him before quietly placing the cup aside.

"You... You must have burned your tongue and throat."

He did, but it was nothing. 

"It was too hot, I'm sorry." You said, confusing him. He turned to you now, blinking.

"Why are you sorry?"

You turned to him with a worried expression, "I didn't realize you were going to drink it in one go. Your throat must be hurting you—"

"It's nothing." Illumi felt a bit annoyed at how you worried for practically nothing, but he tried to understand where it came from.

Perhaps, for a regular person that would have been more painful. And clearly, you were unaware of the torture training a Zoldyck goes through even as a child. Especially Illumi, the eldest of all Zoldycks. It wasn't a secret that his father did not like the way he looked, and it wasn't a secret that he would never be held as highly as Killua was; and as there was no jealousy lodged within him, Illumi felt absolutely nothing for the way he was treated. 

"Do you know who I am?" Illumi asked, turning to you.

You looked at him, "You're an assassin—"

"I'm from the Zoldyck family."

"Oh..." Recognition flashed in your eye and you looked away, "The... The training they give you must be quite brutal, I believe."

"It's harsh but necessary."

"Necessary to kill and murder."

Illumi shook his head, "I'm not a murderer," His voice was devoid of any expressiveness, "I'm an assassin, there's a difference."

You let out a breathless chuckle, "No difference to a doctor, I suppose."

"Ah," He said, "You're a doctor."

You nodded, "I try." 

There was silence right after. It wasn't strange that he didn't talk much; in fact, there was something comforting in the way he just sat there, waiting for the rain to stop. He knew he could leave despite it, but seeing how Illumi had already decided to spend some time in the way he wanted, turning to you, he realized that this was where he wanted to be right then. Sitting beside a harmless doctor, whose acts of kindness made her feel guiltier by the minute.

"You wouldn't have even tasted the tea..." You said, almost pouting.

"I was under the impression that the tea was to warm me up. If I knew I had to taste it—"

"No, actually," You turned to him, wondering how you had to explain it, "Uh... Never mind."

"Do I frustrate you?"

"N-No, you—"

"You give up trying to explain things to me as if I won't understand. Doesn't that mean you're frustrated?"

You turned to him and looked at his face, trying to decipher any sort of emotion from them. You found nothing and your heart sunk just a little. Biting your lower lip, you reached forward to touch his face, but Illumi's hand grabbed your wrist before you got any closer. 

"What are you trying to do?"

"I was just..." You pulled away, almost apologetically. "What's your name?"

"Illumi."

You nodded once before repeating his name and then telling him yours. You didn't know if he listened to you, but judging from the way his gaze never left yours, you were under the impression that he remembered. 

"Thank you," Illumi almost flinched at how foreign your words sounded to him, "For today."

"I didn't do anything to require your thanks."

"No, but you did," You giggled, "You helped me save a life."

 _How strange_ , he thought; as an assassin, he was never expected to 'save' lives. Yet, here you were, thanking him for an act of kindness that he deemed was so insignificant that didn't even matter in the grandest scheme of things. He noticed a moment later that the rain had stopped, and he stood up to leave and he felt your fingers grip at his sleeve once again. He felt a strange tug in his chest, which he merely ignored.

"If you would like to have tea once again," He didn't bother turning to you, "You can just drop by."

He left without a word. 

* * *

Illumi's mind did not function like a notebook; he often forgets things because he sensed no need for them, and if he had to remember something, he would make sure it came to use later. However, when he tried to forget about meeting you, it was quite hard. He wondered almost every night, what would have happened if he hadn't gripped your wrist when you had tried to touch him. 

What would you have done? What was the point of that touch even, if you were not trying to hurt him? Was that supposed to be a pat on his face? A show of affection? He didn't even know you, moreover, you didn't know him, and yet, you were willing to be affectionate with a stranger? Were you a harlot? 

_No, she's a doctor_ , he corrected his thoughts. 

Illumi rarely spent any free time at his home, like Milluki did; he often found something to do outside. Ignoring the woes of his mother that he barely stayed at home, he walked past his father's room briskly, just pausing for a second to see if there would be any change. When there was no attempt to stop him, Illumi walked away wordlessly.

He was not needed. He never was. Ever since he was a child it had been embedded in his mind that Illumi Zoldyck was just the eldest Zoldyck but not the true one. Not that this bothered him, of course; it was just a fact.

He found that his feet dragged him to your clinic, and noticed how you were busy treating people during the day. He met you in the middle of the night, trying to help the child in the pouring rain, but during the day it seemed that you were busier. He walked over to you and stood beside you, the child that you were treating began to cry. You blinked before turning to look over your shoulder and spotted Illumi there, raising a hand to wave at you. Your eyes glistened and you turned to the child and wiped her tears off.

"That's just my friend," Illumi felt anger bubble inside his chest, "Don't cry."

He wasn't your friend, and the sooner he corrected you the better it would be. After treating the little girl and some more kids, you turned to him and smiled warmly.

"Would you like a cup of tea?"

"It's not raining."

"Rain isn't the only time for tea," You said, "And please drink it slowly this time, I'd rather you don't burn your throat."

Not that it mattered, but somehow, it seemed to matter to you. Strange.

"(y/n)," He addressed coldly, "We're not friends."

You froze before turning to him and blinking, "I didn't want to confuse the child."

"So it was a lie, right?" He asked, unmoving.

"I... Sure."

He nodded, not knowing why that didn't make him feel relieved. You turned around and began to make some tea and it was then Illumi took the liberty to look around your little house. The kitchen was just a slab with a stove and an oven, with some pans, arranged neatly in the side. The house was tiny, a table in the middle, and two chairs by the window and a bed at the far end of the room. He wondered how you could live within a house that was smaller than his room, but perhaps, it was sufficient.

You returned with tea and handed him a cup, but before he could take it from you, you pulled away a bit, with what looked like a playful frown on your face.

" _Please_ , Illumi," You stressed, "Drink it slowly?"

He liked that you didn't order him. He liked how your demand was almost a question, which gave him the sense that you were allowing him to choose how to drink the tea. He could choose to drink it slower, or he could choose to gulp it all down quickly. Either was fine. Having never been presented such a small choice before, Illumi found it odd. Comforting, but odd.

He drank it slowly and observed your expression; you were looking at him expectantly. 

"Is it good?"

"It tastes like flavored water."

You giggled, "Well, that's what tea is, technically."

"Ah."

You stood beside him, just smiling at him as he drank his tea. He found it oddly comforting, so comforting in fact, that he didn't notice that he was smiling in return. This time, he found himself enamored by the way you just stood there, smiling at him for no reason.

"Your kindness is reasonless," he said, "Yet, you're being kind. It's a waste of effort. You won't get anything out of it."

"You won't lose anything either." You responded quickly.

"I don't see why you waste your breath."

You shook your head, "I don't see it as a waste, Illumi. I... I like being kind."

"I don't understand why."

You turned to him with a soft smile—a smile that resembled both happiness and sadness. There were many things Illumi didn't understand, and one of which was the way your expression was toward him. It moved him, and it made him feel like he shouldn't have ever met you. 

"Will you keep visiting me," He knew you weren't finished, "So that I can help you understand?"

Did he really want to understand what being kind meant? Maybe, understanding what kindness was could help him understand Killua. Maybe, that way, he wouldn't have to navigate through his thoughts constantly and the needle wouldn't be necessary. _No, it's necessary_ , he thought before turning to you.

"I see no use for it."

"Please," Ah, there you go again, "I want to help you see it."

"But why?"

You shrugged, "Because I think you are kind. And it's all hidden inside in layers and layers of misplaced emotion."

 _That could be possible, but it's too late now_ , he thought before turning away from you. The tea was colder now, but he drank all of it. A moment later, he gripped your wrist again, which was hung in mid-air. You giggled before trying to pull back, but his grip remained, confusing you.

"What were you trying to do?"

You shook your head, trying to dismiss his question, but he pressed on. His black eyes were boring into your soul, and you could feel his aura seeping into your head. You shook yourself away from it, before looking down at the ground. 

"I wanted to touch your face."

"Just touch it?"

You nodded, before feeling his grip loosen. You were shocked, and your face turned a bit red at the sudden acceptance, before looking up at him questioningly. You reached forward and brushed the pads of your fingers against his cheek. Illumi remained calm, but his eyes were focused on yours. Feeling a bit brave, you pressed your entire hand against his cheek and let out a shaky breath, shocked at how soft his skin was and how cold it felt. Illumi shut his eyes, trying to grasp what you were trying to do. You stepped closer to him now, your chest almost touching his, as you rubbed your thumb across his cheek.

"You have really soft skin." You whispered.

"What a useless observation." Illumi said, now looking at you.

"It isn't all useless, Illumi," Now retreating your hand from his cheek, "Just because it doesn't abide by being an assassin doesn't make it useless."

"These are all useless for assassins, though."

"Is Illumi Zoldyck just an assassin?"

"What a dumb question," Illumi smirked at you, "I told you I was—"

"I think," You stepped back, putting your hands behind your back and giving him a kind smile, "You're much more than that."

He suddenly realized that he had no reason to be standing there inside your house, in front of you. He suddenly realized how futile this act had been, how very useless indeed. Shaking his head, he moved away but felt your grip against his sleeve.

"Illumi—"

"You've managed to make me understand the absolute futility of the act of kindness," Your heart sunk at his words, "So I must thank you."

"Please don't leave like that."

But, he did. 

* * *

  
On odd nights like this, Illumi sometimes forgot that he was a grown adult male. Laying on his bed that night, he couldn't get the image of you out of his mind. It wasn't that strange for him to think of a woman during times like this, but often, he'd only have an image of a woman's body with no face to match up. It would get the job done and he would get some sleep before heading off in the morning to another job. 

However, that night, he thought of _you_.

Blinking at the ceiling, Illumi grazed his hands roughly against his erect member, before pumping up and down; he wasn't trying to think of you, yet it seemed that you had merely settled in his mind, and now that he had seen you sexually, the desire to see you again only grew. He let out a breath as he inched closer and closer to his release and he shut his eyes just as the picture of you smiling shot up in his mind.

Letting out a breath after his orgasm, Illumi knew he had to go see you. It wasn't the picture of you looking up at him in fear that drew him to an edge, it was of you merely touching his face with a faint blush on yours that had done the job. It wasn't as if he hadn't done it with a woman before, but while it was mechanical with the others, with you, he seemed like he craved more. There was now a desire nestled in his heart, where nothing lay before; he wanted you to want him, and not fear him. 

The conflict lay in your idea about kindness. While Illumi spent his entire life living in one set way, perhaps, the way you lived contrasted his precisely because you were not a Zoldyck. And while he wanted to understand that, his precise obsession with you made no sense now that he knew your differences. That only meant that he had to stay away from you, live his own life, watch Killua succeed the Zoldycks and he could die either at the hands of Hisoka or old age, whatever came first.

_I think you're much more than that._

Illumi could go days without sleeping; but for some apparent reason, he was devastatingly exhausted that night after masturbating. Your voice rang in his mind and this was never like the nightmares he had before in his life. As a child, Illumi was once locked inside a room full of beasts that he knew he had to slay before he could sleep. It took him three days to slay them all, but sleep had left him after. He had reached a point of such panic and terror that he couldn't sleep for a while until he was drugged, with his mother having to administer a stronger than normal dose. 

But, the sound of your voice, even while you were not there, lulled him to sleep with ease. And such ease, Illumi had never experienced in his life.

He knew right as his eyes closed that he would go see you the next day. However, since he had an assigned target to kill, Illumi could only reach your clinic by night. He was under the impression that you may be asleep, but he could hear your whimpering from half a mile away. Having reached your clinic, Illumi wandered inside through the window and noticed you, sitting on the bed, crouched against the wall, crying. He felt uncomfortable seeing you there like that, in a way he had never seen before, and he felt... anger? 

"(y/n)." 

You gasped and looked up to spot Illumi by the window, and you immediately wiped your tears away. You got up from the bed and moved toward him, before sniffing and rubbing your hands over your face. However, you froze when you felt his hand grip your wrist and bring it away from your eyes, only to have him look into them.

"Illu... mi?" 

"Why are you crying? Are you hurt?"

You shook your head, a bitter smile on your face. He blinked, waiting for a response.

"I miss my family."

"Are they dead?"

You shook your head and looked at him as if he had said something awful, but he had merely asked you a common question. Sighing, you walked over to the kitchen counter.

"Tea? It's about to rain, after all."

Illumi didn't say a word and just watched you make tea. He wanted to know why you were crying, and missing your family didn't seem like a good enough reason for him. Not that any reason was good enough to cry, Illumi tried to understand that through an infant's point of view. One of the old butlers told him that when he was a toddler, he cried for three days before learning through parental conditioning that he was not supposed to. 

"You cry because you miss your family?"

"I haven't seen them in a while," You said, "I can't because I live away."

"You can visit them, can't you?"

"I can't leave the kids here."

"I think crying for something like that is pointless," You turned to him and waited for him to finish, "As a baby, I wasn't fed until I stopped crying. It took me three days to know that I shouldn't." 

Your eyes widened and you felt instantly terrible. Your hands were shaking at the sudden revelation and the need to touch him intensified. Illumi merely looked at you and then at the water that was boiling.

"Ah," he said, "The water's boiling." 

This time, he poured in the tea and you just watched. You knew that the rough-around-the-edges personality that he had was merely because his entire existence was devoid of love and proper care. You only wondered what kind of life he would have had if his family were normal. 

"Illumi?" 

"Hm?"

You bit your lip before feeling the nervousness bundle into a knot in your chest, "Can I... Can I give you a hug?"

He froze at the sudden request that you threw at him. He turned to you with just his eyes and he looked at you as if he was surprised. Perhaps, he was. Your gaze was unwavering, and you stood there, biting your lip. While Illumi's thoughts about you weren't so innocent, he didn't understand why this situation required a hug. Wasn't a hug given to someone who was grieving? He wasn't grieving. 

But, instead of waiting for a response, you moved forward and pushed your hands in between his, and wrapped around his torso, placing your head into his chest. Illumi's hands were by his side, and he felt as calm as he normally felt; however, the smell of your hair distracted him. He had smelled flowers as a child, and it was a scent he had long forgotten. There was no need for an assassin to smell flowers, but here you were, throwing that scent to him all over again. He didn't know what pushed him to place one hand around your waist, but the urge was strong and so he did.

"I want to show you that you are deserving of kindness too." 

Illumi said nothing to that. What could he say? It was a wasted argument. But his arm around you wasn't strong, it was soft. Unlike everything he had ever trained for, up until this point.

Pulling away, you looked at him and smiled, your hand going over to his cheek again. This time, he didn't stop you. Perhaps, he had learned to trust your actions by now. He looked down at you, his gaze was almost soft. 

"(y/n)," Your heart jumped at the way he said your name, "The tea's cold."

You yelped before turning to the tea and reheating it, unaware that Illumi was smiling. 

While the two of you drank tea, you noticed that it had started raining outside. You watched him as he stood there in silence; he was looking at the rain, and you presumed he had a thoughtless mind right then with how comfortable he looked. He was so beautiful, you believed; hair, long and black and silky, eyes that penetrated deep into your soul the second you looked into them, and features that could make a model quiver with insecurity. But, he lacked a heart, he believed. However, all you saw was a heart that had never seen or felt love.

It broke yours.

"Will you stay the night, Illumi?" You asked, blushing.

"Sure. But, your bed looks too small for two people."

You looked at the bed and your mouth opened, "Uh, I'll sleep on the floor. It's not a problem—"

"The floor doesn't look comfortable for someone like you," You turned to him with a pout, "I'm used to not sleeping for days. I can stay awake."

Your heart jumped, "And do what?"

His silence only meant that he hadn't figured that out yet. You felt your stomach flip at the thought of sleeping right beside him on a bed that was small, but you bit your lip and wondered: you had already thought of it once. You were grateful that he was here now, but you weren't sure about how to approach this.

"I think," You let out, "We can manage."

When you dragged him toward the bed, Illumi froze. Suddenly, images of the previous night flooded in his brain, and his eyes widened. He knew that if he stayed there any longer, things would get out of hand. But, he Illumi's mastery of reading auras baffled him right then, when he sensed that you were just as aroused as he was. You turned to him before walking over and pressing your hands to his face, bringing him down to your level. He understood how short you were, but it felt rather...nice.

When you kissed him, Illumi wasn't sure about what to do. The women he had been with never kissed him, it was just sex; raw carnal pleasure derived from a mechanical pistoning of his member. But right then, the warmth spread from your fingers to his cheeks rather effortlessly, and he seemed to crave it some more. When you didn't receive a response from him as you were kissing him, you got worried. You wondered if you had read the room incorrectly, and just as you pulled away, Illumi pressed a hand to your lower back, bringing you right back into him. He wasn't kissing you like he knew what he was doing, but he was trying and that itself did a lot for you.

"Have you... done it with anyone before?"

"I've had sex before."

You blinked, "But...?"

"I've never done _this_." His voice was low, he realized.

Upon learning this, you threw your hands around his neck and kissed him some more, wanting to cherish everything about him. Illumi pressed your lower back toward him, and you could feel his growing bulge press against your thigh. You tilted your head in an angle and pushed your tongue inside his, and while he remained clueless on what to do there, you guided one of his hands to rest on your hip, and slowly dragged it along to your left breast, squeezing it through his hand. As you let go, Illumi followed your instructions and did the same thing, having you moan at his action. He paused for a second before taking a look at you, unsure of what the sound that came out of you was.

You smiled before stripping yourself from your top, and slowly taking off his, and bringing him to the bed. As he lay down, you guided your hand toward his member and felt his breath hitch; you wondered if he had ever received pleasure from someone who wanted the same thing. You looked at him nervously before pulling down the hem of his pants, and you saw as his erect member sprang out. You gulped at its girth, and wet your lips as you lowered yourself to its top. Illumi watched you, his eyes stuck to your form as your lips wrapped around his tip.

He had only had sex before; everything beyond that was new territory. You licked his lip carefully, watching his reaction—or the lack thereof, before swallowing him as much as you could, and noticed a slight hitch in his breath, and as you pumped up and down, you noticed him close his eyes and lean back, his hand springing to your head, to keep you in position. You swirled your tongue around his member as you bobbed up and down, eyes closed, completely enjoying what you were doing. You could hear him breathing heavily now, and your grip on his cock was soft yet firm. Whenever he was touching himself, he was rough and abnormally fast—just so that he could end feeling what he was feeling. However, right then, Illumi enjoyed his arousal through and through.

When you pulled away after a bit, Illumi grabbed on to you before bringing you to his lips and kissing you aggressively. His hands automatically found your breasts and he fondled them, the same force you had taught him to use before, and you moaned out his name, just to have him pause.

"You..." You said as a gasp, touching his face, "Have you been kind to yourself, Illumi?"

He knew the answer. But he didn't understand why that made him sad. 

A second later, you took your own pants off, before guiding his hands to your nether regions. You looked at him as he stared into your eyes, and felt how wet you were—had he ever touched a woman before? 

"Have you..." 

"What do you want me to do?" He said, lowly, to spring himself over you.

You now lay on your back, Illumi towering above you. Your eyes were locked into his, and he wasn't looking anywhere else. Slowly, you guided two of his fingers inside you, and you closed your eyes with pleasure. You used his fingers as a piston and pumped inside and out before he learned the rhythm himself. He was slow at first but learned to watch your emotions and quicken his pace. A moment later, you stilled, before guiding his thumb to dance over your clit. You squeaked, and Illumi's gaze hardened at how aroused you were because of him.

He wanted you to want him. And here you were, whimpering and squeaking and making such vulgar noises because of him.

It did a number on him.

It was like magic, Illumi learning how to finger you. He did it so well for his first time, it was almost a lie that he hadn't ever done it before. After he was done making you orgasm in his fingers once, you pulled him toward you and kissed him again, before helping him position himself at your entrance. He pushed himself in without warning and started to pump in and out at a rather quick pace, which was of course, enjoyable, but with the rate with which he was going, it wouldn't last long.

" _Illumi_ —" You gasped, and he stopped, which made you gasp some more.

"Don't stop, but... Don't move so fast," You pulled him closer to you, your hands around his neck, "Learn to enjoy it?"

Again, it wasn't an order. It was a simple question, a request placed toward him, which he had complete liberty to ignore or follow. Taking in a breath, Illumi moved slower, and focused on how it was making him feel—and he realized that he had yet to learn about the truths of human carnal pleasures. The slower he moved, the louder you got, and the harder he moved, the more breathless you got. When Illumi pulled himself almost out of you and rammed inside without warning, he saw that you were screaming his name—something he desperately wanted more of. So he did a mixture of all three: he rammed into you, moving slowly, inching you toward a release, and then moved faster to have you come on his dick. When he finished inside of you, he lay there, watching you. Pulling away, and since the bed was small, Illumi pressed you toward his chest, hands wrapped around you as if you were his only source of warmth. 

"That was really, really good." You said, looking up at him.

It really was, but all Illumi did was stare at the ceiling. Some part of him believed he was doing the wrong thing by sleeping with you, by being someone he was not meant to be. Was this what it felt like? Making your own choices?

Was this what Killua was chasing?

Perhaps, it was a life someone like Killua could chase. As for him, any kind of freedom felt illicit, and he wondered if this was how it would always be. He looked at you and noticed you were looking right at him.

"What's on your mind?"

"You said I'm deserving of kindness," You nodded at his words, "Why?"

"Everyone is."

Illumi shook his head, "Kindness doesn't get you where you need to go. As an assassin, kindness only gets in the way."

"If someone hires you tomorrow and asks you to get rid of me," Illumi froze. "Would you?"

He had to. He had to get rid of you. However, now there was conflict. And that was a problem. He turned to you, almost angry and shocked that you would put him in a place like that, but when you kissed him, that anger faded.

_Oh, dear._

"If you're uncomfortable with that situation, Illumi, don't blame yourself. It is kindness that makes us strong."

"If that situation occurs, then—"

"Let me ask you this then," He waited, "What if someone were to try and hurt me. What would you do then?"

He didn't have to think too hard, "I'll kill them."

You nuzzled into his neck and felt his grip tighten around you, "Give it some more thought, Illumi."

He took a deep breath before closing his eyes and picturing it. For some reason, it was easier to picture someone like Hisoka playing around and saying he'd end your life. Suddenly, he felt the back of his hair straighten uncharacteristically, and the aura that spilled out of him was as deadly as it would have been if he were in a fight. You felt it, and the second you kissed his cheek, Illumi surprisingly calmed down.

He turned to you, and his question was answered.

_Ah._

"You can be kind too," You whispered, closing your eyes, "Start with yourself, okay?"

* * *

"For an assassin, you're awful with knives," You commented, pouting from behind him.

Illumi tried to cut the vegetables as well as he could. Seeing that you had cut your finger accidentally, he forbade you from ever touching a knife (which, you thought was a strange request). 

"I'm bad at this." He said as if he had a revelation and heard you laugh.

"You are," You pushed him before taking the badly cut vegetables and throwing them in the curry. "It's a small gash. I'm sure you've had it worse."

"I've had my finger—"

"Please don't complete that sentence."

Three months had passed since Illumi had been visiting you, and you noticed smaller changes in the man as compared before. He started to make tea for himself whenever you were busy, cherishing the taste. He'd grab the towel and wipe his hair, and even brought a change of clothes in case he got wet in the rain. He learned to please you better, but figured out more methods to pleasure himself in the process, as well. Illumi was growing, and it filled your heart with joy to see these small changes.

Someone knocked on your clinic door and you asked him to go check who it was. Illumi mindlessly walked to the door and opened it to see a small boy.

"Ah," He voiced, "It's _you_."

The very same boy who was bleeding from his chest the night he had met you. He was looking at Illumi with a strange look.

"Isn't (y/n) here?"

"She's cooking. What do you want?"

The boy frowned, "You're mean. I wanted to give her these." 

The boy revealed a box of sweets. Judging from the smell, they were freshly made. Illumi took them from the kid and looked back at the boy.

"She'll like these. I'll tell her you came."

The boy's eyes widened before he smiled and rushed off, "Thanks, mister!" 

Illumi stayed behind there for a second more. He let the boy's words sink in for a second longer, before closing his eyes and smiling. 

It was just a single act of kindness. 

How strange that it had ended up changing so much. 

**Author's Note:**

> I really think Illumi not being kind to himself is canon in many ways? I find his character interesting because he's just closed off from feeling since his family functions in that way. While I adore Hisoka as being this free man who makes his own choices, Illumi's choices circle around his family, and he's never really made many decisions for himself. And as the eldest Zoldyck child, I'm pretty sure his training was pretty much just torture, which can lead to one of the many reasons why he's the way he is.


End file.
